Well, that was a miserable failure. Not only did I not get anything off the ground, I discovered a wonderful little lump on a rib. Seen enough to understand what that means. I finally get to be free.
Over 3 months without work. Without money. Soon to be kicked out of where I live. No prospects, and the only ray of sunshine has been a lump on a bone.
Sound morbid? Understand that when I was a kid I thought I was retarded. It was the only answer I could come up with that made sense of the world. A world in which everyone did whatever made their situation worse. A world of politics of hate. A world in which we all allow ourselves to be oppressed because we don’t have the balls to make our own decisions. A world in which we must always destroy our every opportunity to be happy.
Later on, I discovered differently when they put me in one of those advanced placement classes. All they did was lump a small group of us in a classroom that had a higher grade in it. Blah, blah, blah with a different crowd. That was the 6th grade. The same grade I learned to tune out the moronic ramblings of the teachers. Probably the only action that saved my brain from the machine. But no one escapes the grind. Not really.
Later, it was stagflation, women wanting to get married, and increasing pressure to drive drug shipments, that caused me to join the Navy. Wanted to join the Army, but the recruiter was always too drunk to make it to work. Oh well, sailed the seven seas and got out to join the airborne.
Airborne! Fuck ’em. Married shortly thereafter to a real crazy bitch. Divorced and not allowed to see/talk to the kids unless I remarried her. Fat chance, just drive on and become a zombie. Oh yeah, college after that. Learned all the answers I needed. $50,000, 5 years, and a lot of rage later, I figured out there wasn’t much hope for humanity.
Became a stockbroker afterwards. Money grubbing whore I was, I was. Dead inside until I went skydiving one day. Now, that is gone as well. Just as well, though this is the only time I feel bad about moving on from something.
I’m just tired. 48 years old and so fucking tired of it all. Will be moving on from here soon. Am sure I will be kicked out in a couple of weeks. I figure if I survive the first six weeks with nothing, then I will be tough enough to be considered a threat by the establishment. War is the only thing I’ve ever truly been good at in my life. It’s a shame the only ones I want to wage this war on is my own government.
Just wrote this little note as I had some emails inquiring as to what has happened to me. Strange, but finding that lump has been one of the best things I could have had happen. I will be free soon.
There is a rage still boiling within me now. A rage I know only the grave can still. I have only recently become truly convinced that I am not retarded. Thanks to the collapse of the economy by the banker whores. They are the enemy, but so are all of us that live by there rules.
We live in a world where we worship the dollar. We only care of ourselves, so we will get what we deserve. Not even a footnote in history. A nation filled with opportunities wasted. Fuck you all. Fuck us all. We have all failed. But, at least I will go out with a fight. That’s all I can do. What about you?
Fucking off,
Rev. Jim Lunsford
First Cannabist Church
It’s always the christians who fear the most in the world. But, what can you expect from those who follow the devil’s path? Even though the N.T. is clear, they follow the old ways of hate and call themselves loving. To the pit with them. And hopefully, the darkness shall swallow me as well.
Blue Collar Manifesto 
Oh yeah, for those of you coming from NORML site, my last comment was deleted, it was a response to the moron who advocated I sit on a couch like him a veg out while the world turns. Fuck him. You do that, I’ll make sure the world burns. And it will burn because dumbasses like him and myself did nothing for far too long. Wake up people, before it is too late.
Hi Jim;
It is too late for this system and keep your wits about you because you got kids that are going to be needing you job or no.
The hate will drive you crazy, best get rid of it.
If your good at war, one of former buddies in Baja was a retired mercenary, mostly for the protection of people in bad places so your skills may make a few dollars.
Don’t give up, focus ahead on what affects you for there isn’t a damn thing that can change what is happening at the top.
And when your back is to the wall and you got nothing to lose you are in a place of power so Smile 🙂 I’ve been there and know the feeling and may end up there again.
Thanks, but I have no interest in money anymore. There is nothing anymore. I only have an interest in bringing the world to a point where they have to make a choice. A choice between love and fear. I have nothing to gain, and nothing to lose either. That means that I can change everything in the world.
I found out at one point in my life there are only two kinds of people you really can’t push around.
Those who have nothing to lose and those who have so much money it is obscene.
It is the ones in the middle that are easily swayed because what they have is important to them as is security, although there is none in this life.
There is still something left for you as you have admitted, the choice between love and fear.
Love is the only way and a sword doesn’t cut it in the love department 🙂
Good luck.
It is only while living on the brink of oblivion that people discover who they really are inside. Most don’t cut the mustard. They don’t have anything to live for other than what they are told they live for. They look to some other life for their redemption, all the while putting off living the one life they have. They have sold their souls for the most part for nothing but more fear. To push them far enough past all that fear, so they have nothing left to lose isn’t a useless gesture. Since we have all been slaves to a system which we helped construct, and reinforce it at all costs, a sword may be the only thing that does cut it anymore. It’s always been just a choice, but most don’t understand the consequences of living in fear. All I am becoming is consequence. It is not good or bad. It is just an inevitable consequence of people choosing fear over love.
It really does come down to a choice between love and fear. I know which *I* choose, but sometimes, a little of the fear creeps in despite my best efforts…
Fuck Fear! Here in Japan, like America, fear rules. But at least the Japanese have the integrity and honesty to look and act like cowardly fucks…no bravado, no pretense. I live here with one fear…that I might get complacent, infected by the viral tranquility of this place. It gives one the impression that all is right in the world…when you know that is not true. But it’s a very tempting idea to embrace because we all (most of us) want something like that. AT least in our individual worlds…Mrs Chili, I too choose love and stand wary of fear. Ichabod you nailed it…the ones in the middle wear bullseyes. And Jim…I don7t know what to say. I am such a coward sometimes even your words scare me a little, They rock my world a little. I hear me in your words. I too have shosen fear over love all too often…in fact I doubt I even know what love is unles is that feeling you get when your mother has black outs and the doctors tell her it’s do to her alcoholism so she quits drinking but the blackouts continue…that helplessness you feel 10000 miles away in Asia…is that Love? Anyway, I know you’re suffereing but thanks for sharing…
Hi Jim. Wow! I don’t have a specific response. There is so much in this post. Is the lump something that you believe will kill you? Did you say that? I know someone who felt that way, relieved to get a certain diagnosis. I’ll be thinking about you.
Yes, Jim, how do you know the lump is fatal? Modern medicine truly works miracles these days.
Understand where you are coming from Jim. Read you on NORML.
Will be back to your site but right now I’ve had two drinks tonight and I’m really not capable of commenting.
Diseases are our only wake up call. I have been penniless for 3 years and published over 750 posts and wrote my autobiography; I don’t think I would have been writing so consistently if I had to worry about making a living. If there is a cure and your insurance covers the expenses then go for that new path of discovery within yourself. Hang on; one task at a time.
I lost my job in 2007 and still have not recovered, so I feel your pain. I agree 100% that its when we are on the edge that we find out who and what we are.
Fight the good fight!
Hi Jim, If you’re in California (not sure which other states), you might have one thing to feel good about.
Check out this article: Attorney General Signals Shift In Medical Marijuana Policy
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/03/18/attorney-general-signals-_n_176592.html
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One thing to do to improve this love language is to take a walk with
your spouse. ‘Oneness-Hearts, Tears and Smiles’ was
the name given by Sri Chinmoy to his international humanitarian aid program.
That’s right, just sit there and cry your heart out if you want to, but do not call, email or text your
ex.